You Keep Lying When You Oughtta Be Truthing

This morning David emailed me the perfect venn diagram of our friendship.



19 years of good times represented in 2 minutes and 47 seconds.

The Ship Song

What is this? Why is this?



I love this song. I love Nick Cave's version, I love Concrete Blonde's version, I love the Nick Cave with Concrete Blonde version, I love Amanda Palmer's version. And now? Nice.

Thanks Australia. Good job.

Oh, and what's with Martha Wainwright? She's from Canada, not Australia. I did see her in a restaurant in Sydney once. And now she looks like that Nurse Jackie who takes the pills.

In conclusion, The End.

Live Blogging, Australia Style! DONT MOVE!

Oh we Americans are so smug with our mnemonic devices.

Grand Ol' Opry

That great Aussie bum Joan Sutherland went up to Heaven this week. I was never a big Opera fan (mostly it's like a long episode of Frasier but with singing), but I do like talent.

Here she is with Dame Ella Fitzgerald & Dame Dinah Shore, upstaging them without even a microphone.

God Bless, Joan Sutherland

Really, Vladimir Vladimirovich Would Have Loved It

My company ain't perfect, but Penguin sure has had a Nabokovian year of flukes.

This week their UK company shipped a printing of LOLITA without the John Ray (fictional) forward.

And of course a few months ago their Australian division had to pulp 7000 copies of a pasta cookbook that called for "freshly ground black people" to be added to a recipe instead of "freshly ground black pepper."

Anyway, that's all I'm saying. Pnin rules.

We All Are Going To Need A Bigger Boat

Ouchy Beasts!

Wow. A kind reader from the west coast sent in a link to this wonderful blog.



Really it's so cute that there's nothing I can do but cry with tears of joy.

Many of the pictures come with little stories about how this sad thing happened to the pooch or kitty or kangaroo, and how these pictures are several months old and now it's all better and happy-go-lucky, which warms up my heart even more.

My soul aches for not knowing any of these beasts.

I mean, they're such troopers!

This one is extra cute on account of his funny eyes. People sure love Pugs.

And this one is extra cute because he's a foreigner!

And this little baby looks like MY little buddy. I wonder if this really is a picture of Zach, and before I met him he was outfitted with a bionic arm.

Oh internet. You make me complete.

Signs Of The Time

So it's been a little while since I posted more Signage of Bafflement. Mainly because in 2009, my job involves less travel (but still a paycheck, so I'm not allowed to complain), so I'm not seeing what foreigners (and Californians) are up to with their silly sign business.

Fortunately, some buddy created this here website. Here are some of my favorites from the collection.

This one here is from South Africa, and I can actually hear this being said with a straight face and an Afrikaans accent.

This one is from Ohio. That's something I don't understand about Ohio.

Hee hee. If your car breaks down in England, yer screwed.

I have to believe that someone in Yass, Australia, was in on this joke.


This one is my personal favorite. It's from England, which kind of explains it. And truthfully, this would work better than the rhythm method.

Thanks, Internet!

Past Posters Pique Pleasure in Present

Wow. I just discovered this website here, which is an online exhibition curated by the Library of Congress. It's all WPA posters from 1936 through 1943. You can search by keyword, or browse by subject matter. For quite a few of them you can download full size scans, so I guess you can print them out fancy-style in your home.

I searched for "shark" and got this one, which I suppoose is accurately tagged, though it's really more about pneumonia. Still, I like it.

I found this one about cutie penguins that Kevin might like. I can't tell if they're those gay ones that steal other penguin babies.

Here's a nice one of a hippo.

Here's the obligatory STD poster. There were LOTS of these, but this is the only one which indicated "invalidism" as a side-effect.

Who doesn't love goggles?

This one is for Diana. She likes pretty flowers.

This one is for all of us. Eating fruit also prevents invalidism.

Turns out there was indeed a movie with this name, starring Edward G. Robinson and Humphrey Bogart. Still, I giggle like a little perv.

This one is encouraging ladies to not formula-feed.

And finally, here's one about the foreigners. I don't get it, but most of my WW2 history is from movies.

I do suggest checking out the link. But only for when you have lots of time to kill.

Funnies Business Down Under

Sometimes foreigners think they're funny, but they're not.

For example, Little Britain. I sure laughed a lot the first few episodes I saw of this program. However, the show went on for like ten years making the very same jokes again and again. See, Foreigners apparently enjoy seeing the same gag again and again, because then they know when to laugh at the jokes. Otherwise, they don't know what is a joke and what isn't.


The exceptions here are all from the Antipodes. Australia gave us Kath & Kim, and New Zealand gave us Flight Of The Conchords - both very funny programs, both with short enough life spans that we didn't get sick of them.

Australia now has also begat Summer Heights High, an eight episode series set in an Aussie High School. It features those staples of Foreigner Humor: Bad Drag, Mincing Gays, and Making Fun Of The Physically or Mentally Challenged.

Anyway, Amber and I sure like this show. Here's a peak at the Mr. G character, the Mincing Gay Drama Teacher.



We have found this program to be a delightful amuse bouche between episodes of Murder, She Wrote. I think Jessica would like it too.

Of Gaps, Prawns, Worms, & Dogs

Recently, Kevin and Amber went to San Francisco to visit their roost. Kevin's eagle eye (or goose eye?) spotted this sign in the BART system. I don't think they really want you to watch the gap quite this closely.

Then I got to thinking about some of the other random signs still kicking around my jpg files.

This sure made me giggle in South Africa. What exactly is verboten? Is one not allowed to pump prawns and worms? Or are prawns and worms not allowed to pump each other? What does pump mean in this context? I'm glad I don't know.

I liked this one, also from a beach, this time in Australia. They are totally not kidding about dogs being prohibited, apparently.
Signs. Sigh.

Kath & Kim & Unforgiveable

This is really one of the worst travesties I have ever seen.

I mean, I like the US version of The Office better than the British one, and most people like the British version of Queer as Folk better than the American, but really, ain't nobody should do Kath & Kim but the Australians.

God Bless, America

Whew! It is me, CRD, and I am back from the antipodes.

Australia is a beautiful place, but nothing beats America for good old fashioned ingenuity, ingenue-ity, or cheeseburgers. I can't believe what a good job Amber did while I was gone keeping this place tidy, and I shall pull myself up by my bootstraps and endeavor to maintain the high quality standards she set while I was gone.

I did have a good time both with friends and scenery in Australia, as these pictures can attest.

One friend and I went to a Grill Your Own Steaks place one night for dinner.

Another took me swimming one day, and afterwards we climbed a mountain up above the city.
And even though I worked hard at our sales conference, sometimes I posed for pictures when we had our coffee breaks outside.
All in all though, I'm glad to be back in the US of A. God Bless, America!

Chris & Home Safe

CRD is back! Although I have enjoyed posting in his absence, I know that both you and I are relived that he'll be back in command shortly.

I've organized a big Welcome Home party for CRD tomorrow. The festivities will kick off with a Dance Parade, hosted by my main man, Mike Bloomberg. Meet us at 28th Street and Broadway at 1 p.m. So far, it looks like there will be about 3,500 of CRD's closest friends.

This is a picture I took when I traveled to Australia in the future to make sure the party would be fun. That's CRD on the right with the Hawaiian shirt and his signature-style heart-shaped ear muffs.

P.S. I won't be attending, and CRD doesn't know anything about it, but that shouldn't stop you!

Chris & American Meat

Another thing CRD would miss about America if he stayed in Australia would be Island Burgers & Shakes.

They may have kangaroo burgers down under, but do they have this?

And can you get it delivered to your door? I doubt it.

Chris & Never Coming Home

CRD called me on Saturday when Kevin, Diana, Nick and I were standing in front of Sapporo East, my favorite restaurant ever but not CRD's, to say that he is never coming home. He loves the taste of kangaroo meat and has decided to stay Down Under.

What CRD doesn't realize is that plenty of New Yorkers raise their own kangaroos in their apartments-- just like people raise chickens in the community gardens, only with better boxing ability.

It was sure nice having CRD for a friend. We originally met in Midtown at Grilled Cheese Friday many years ago. It's fitting our friendship begins and ends with regional foods. Sunrise, sunset.

Amber & International Time Travel

Hello, Internals Plural reader! It's me, Amber. I'm guest-blogging for CRD whilst he is traveling internationally.

Yesterday, he arrived today in Australia, which means that tomorrow he will be on Thursday.

I am sure going to try hard to be his Constant through my posts to this blog.

What does it mean that he traveled Clockwise to get to Australia? Will he have to travel the opposite way in order to return to our timeland? And, will his apartment be really, really spotless when he gets back?

That Dang International Dateline

Sometimes I'm a Big Time Dummy. While I was talking to Amber last night, I realized that I couldn't possibly be arriving in Australia as I had originally thought - on Sunday morning. I do indeed arrive at 6am, but on Monday. Just in time for my meetings!

Since the only thing I could do to fix this would be to go back in time and leave yesterday, I have to be kinda sanguine about the whole affair. Oh well. God Bless, Australian Coffee. A large flat white for me, please!

Anyway, in a few hours I will begin my counter-clockwise trip and board a flight to Tokyo, then a mere 14 hours after that another flight to Sydney, then 10 hours after that I will be collecting my bags and taking a cab for 45 minutes to my hotel, a quick tooth-brushing, and then the office!

For my flight I have packed several "books," but most importantly I have the new Vanity Fair, which has pictures of Miley Cyrus' cooter if I'm to believe the news reports, a book of NYT Crossword Puzzles (good thing I know the name of Nick & Nora's dog, an evergreen of a clue), a bunch of new albums loaded to my iPod, and programs galore on the laptop.

I'll be doing my best to keep everyone apprised of my travels, but if we're lucky Amber will pry herself away from celebrating Art at the New York Plant Emporium to say a few things here. Arigato, Amber!

And if I'm lucky, the plane won't be attacked upon takeoff by one of those horrible Cloverfield monsters so common in Japan.


Kaibutsu!

Birthday Fever!

What a week! I've been so busy getting ready for Australia I've neglected my duties as part of the white noise of culture.

Today I took the morning off so I could catch up with such boring things as Laundry, Kitty Petting, and Crafting The Perfect 24 Hour Playlist for my flight.

I also caught up on all the birthdays I missed! Who knew such Titans of America were born this week?

Many Happy Returns to the Red Headed Stranger, Dame Cloris Leachman, and the multi-talented Christine Baranski.

It would also behoove me greatly to mention that today we celebrate the birthday of the greatest of them all, my dear friend The Rock. How I wish I could celebrate his birthday with him, Stifler Style!Fingers crossed I get everything packed in time, and don't get to Australia and realize I forgot to pack something important, like pants.

'Tis The Season: Australia vs. America

In Australia, they celebrate Christmas in the Summer Time, on account of being on the other side of the world. They don't think there's anything funny about going to the beach on Christmas Day, or throwing another shrimp on the barbi, Stifler-style. They just don't know any better.
I took this picture of a pretty tree in Melbourne. It sure is weird hearing Christmas songs and seeing trees when you're wearing shorts & drinking iced coffee.

In America we like it freezing cold for Christmas. It's Feels Like 30F (-1C) outside, which means it is cold enough that there is nothing you to can do to be happy.


It was so cold once that the Abominable Snowman visited me when I lived on Tiemann Place.